I was thinking about canceling.
I am fire. I could scorch the Earth on my own. I took what felt like an eternity to dig deep within myself and be my own home. I'm comfortable and confident alone; my life is mine, and I live it for no other. So the idea of opening myself up to someone again was...unpleasant. I didn't feel like I needed it. I wasn't looking for anyone or anything. I was already full.
So as the morning passed, I thought about making something up. "I had to reschedule a client" or "I'm not feeling well". I'd done it plenty of times before, when I realized that the possible happy outcome wasn't enchanting enough. But something kept me from doing it this time. Something I remembered about the way he looked at me. When his eyes met mine, they didn't move. Every time. They bore into me, and I wasn't afraid. I didn't look away. I knew he could see more of me than I usually allowed. The melancholy that can only come from heartbreak swirled together with the self-sufficient light that's born from inner peace. He could see it, and I could see him transfixed by it. So I didn't back out of our day date.
He was picking me up on a bike. I've never been on a bike before, and he might not have realized what a big deal it was. Trust begets intimacy, and I was about to trust him with my whole life. After knowing him a few days. Skip past my heart, here's my mortality, in your hands. Keep it well. I didn't even hesitate. I wanted to give it to him. The same thing that stopped me from canceling our plans urged me to put myself in his care. Something about him, that gushed out of him and hit me like waves. I wondered if others could feel it pouring from him. It was warm, and it grazed my lips, pulling them into a smile. It was loud. It echoed in my chest. I had to be around him. I had to keep these plans. I had to stand in his light.
I've been holding myself statuesque, as cold and hard as marble for months. When I got on the back of his bike and wrapped my arms around him, I softened. I sensed a part of myself that I hadn't seen in a long time. That was it. I knew I wasn't going to cancel any plans we made in the future. I wasn't going to back away for safety. For self-preservation. I let the realization sink in as we zoomed down the sunny streets. This man had come into my life at a very specific time, and I can't peel myself away from him. Maybe to learn another lesson about life, or myself, or for something I can't yet imagine. He is fire and I am fire.
- yours
