Here's a blog about all the things I have learned since having the most important romantic relationship in my life, to date, ended. The original draft of this post said, "None of the following is about my former significant other." But, right before publishing, I thought of one more key point, in which he discussed. But it is not a criticism on anyone but myself.
1. A lot of people, specifically women, have said something along the lines of, "don't worry, you'll find someone else in no time!" This comment is meant with good intentions, but like....ok??? I mean my soul purpose in life is not to find someone so...how about we drop this notion and say something like, "you'll come home to yourself in no time!" Right? I'm not about to go on any kind of feminist rant, but the best thing a woman can do for herself post-breakup is certainly NOT finding someone else. Finding another man to be validated by on a daily basis is not a goal, and is not the most successful thing I can do. So by saying this to me, when I have no intention of going on a manhunt, almost makes it sound like I'm a failure if I don't date someone else soon...but I don't feel that way, so it's all good. It'll happen when it does. Moral: let's drop the idea that a woman is only recovered from her relationship when she enters in to a new one. Dear stranger reading this, it is not an accomplishment to be in a relationship.
2. This is the best time to find out what kind of humans my male "friends" are. (Mom, if you're currently reading, stop here.) Once it became pretty clear that I was single, all sorts of things came flooding in like Hogwarts letters down the Dursley's chimney. Everything from kind messages of sympathy that eventually end in a wink face, to very straight forward offers to fly me across the country for a weekend visit. Oh, some don't even put in that much effort. The amount of unsolicited #bodpics and yes, #dickpics is so sad. Like damn man, I thought we were friends??? Men I've know for a month, 10 years. Men who live in my city, men who live in Germany. Single, girlfriend, married. Men are...predictable. Tireless in their efforts, and seem to think that the moment a woman is single, she is ready again for the life of "hey what's up hello". Dear stranger reading this, if your male friend sends you a #dp, he isn't your friend.
3. I did a thing that a lot of people in relationships do; I cut out a lot of friends. Not on purpose, but because I allowed my entire social life to be my boyfriend. This was a mistake on my part. I have since reconnected with many old friends that I am thankful to be so forgiving for my selfish behavior. Dear stranger reading this, don't let your significant other be SO significant that you lose hold of all the great friends you have, they deserve better.
4. I love getting up super early in the morning and moving about slowly, and taking late night walks with my dog. Riddle me this: WHY have I been going to bed so early for two years?! Even I can't find a relationship related reason, but now I'm awake 2-3 hours later than usual. I can't make sense of it, but the early mornings and late evenings are quite satisfying. Dear stranger reading this, embrace the odd things you find yourself doing once you're single. When you no longer have to consider someone else in your decisions, everything you do is literally only for your own personal gain.
5. I allowed myself to be a smaller person. Immediately after my break up, I blamed this on my ex. I said that I changed myself to be a better girlfriend, blah blah blah. Even if that's what it was, it still would have been my choice. However, with time, this is what I now see: I was so tired of being strong. And I am strong. I am a powerful, independent, storm of a woman. But after 25 years, it got tiring. When he came into my life, I could see that he was a perfectly strong match for me, and he could see how tired I was. Because he Loved me, he offered to help carry my weight. So I let him, thinking I could carry some of his too, and we would carry it all together. But he never let me carry anything for him, and eventually I let him carry the weight of all my darkness, instead of just helping. Every cloud that came, I went to him for words or physical comfort or acts of love to fuel me back up. This was a huge mistake on my part. I let him carry both of our things and made no attempts to be strong on my own anymore. Not only did it drain him, I got weaker over time. I hurt us both. Seeing this makes my current mindset understandable now, but also easier to overcome. I've been off guard and passive for the better part of a year. But I know how to get back to myself. Dear stranger reading this, stay strong through even your biggest of loves; being weak is not endearing.
I guess that's it...it's an interesting time for sure. Lots of growth and learning, and, "oh yeah! I used to enjoy such-and-such, I should pick that up again.." and of course learning how to navigate the social world single can be a little bit of a gritty nightmare. ☕️
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